DATING WHILE DIVORCING
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The following questions and answers are provided to help you decide if dating during your divorce is something you should do. There is no way every scenario can be covered. Below are basic questions with what we hope are helpful answers. If you have any other questions please ask your lawyer at the appropriate time.
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1. Q. When can I start dating other people?
A. Kentucky is a no-fault state so dating will not affect your property division. However, if an extra-marital affair is proven to be the reason for divorce, that may affect your claim to maintenance (alimony). Other chief concerns should be how a new relationship will affect:
1. the emotional well-being of your children and how your children might react to you now that you are involved with someone other than your spouse;
2. how your choice to date might affect the court’s perception of your parenting or your spouse’s willingness to settle on child custody and parenting time; and
3. your ability to effectively negotiate a property settlement with a spouse who has knowledge that you are dating.
2. Q. How can my dating affect my negotiations concerning custody?
A. There are several reasons why adultery is dangerous in custody cases:
First, while the law may not say that adultery should reduce your footing regarding parenting time with your children, the judge is the decision-maker in your case. The judge has a great deal of discretion in custody cases and in awarding or restricting visitation rights. Some judges might not be bothered or offended by adultery. However, some judges may not grant custody or normal visitation rights to a parent carrying on an adulterous affair, on the grounds that such behavior does not indicate that the best interests of your children are paramount to you
Second, while a divorce might end the marriage, it won't end the relationship with the other parent over the minor children. The parents will have to deal with each other on a frequent basis over a period of years, and post-divorce cooperation clearly is in every client's best interest. It is hard to imagine how having an affair before the divorce is complete can have a positive effect on the spouse's feelings for the adulterer, but the possibility that it will poison any spirit of cooperation is readily apparent. The need for future negotiation is inevitable, and negotiating with a friend is usually easier than negotiating with an enemy.
Third, most new relationships which begin before a divorce is final are unlikely to succeed. When children have been made a part of that relationship they experience another loss. Children who suffer repeated losses can become reluctant to develop closer relationships. Not only is this damaging to the children, but many judges are very concerned about the impact of introducing children to a significant other while a divorce is pending.
3. Q. What does dating have to do with how much I pay or receive in maintenance?
A. Dating after separation will have little or no impact on how much maintenance you pay or receive, unless you share a residence or "cohabitate" with someone.
If you share a residence with someone, this living arrangement reduces the amount of your monthly expenses and thereby your need for maintenance from your spouse or, conversely, your ability to contribute to the support of your spouse. This is true whether or not you are romantically involved with this person. Cohabitation by a spouse receiving maintenance can be an even stronger basis for the reduction or termination of maintenance. Furthermore, if you are romantically involved with the person with whom you share a residence, the court may determine that you are cohabiting with that person.
4. Q. But if I don't have children and maintenance is not an issue, I can carry on my extramarital relationship while my property settlement is being negotiated, right?
A. It is never a good idea to carry on extramarital sexual relations. It can have an adverse affect on the other spouse, perhaps leading to unwanted complications in your settlement negotiations. Infidelity typically causes hurt, embarrassment and anger, especially when the adultery is public knowledge. Your extramarital affair may eliminate your spouse’s ability to be rational or fair, as well as your ability to have a quick, relatively peaceful negotiation in this process. If you want your case to be settled with an equitable division of property, reasonable terms of support and custody/parenting time that meets your children’s needs, you should not engage in such conduct.
January, 2007
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Diana L. Skaggs, is the President of the Kentucky Chapter of The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. Practicing divorce law for more than twenty years, Diana was recognized by the Louisville Bar Association in 2006 as the family law practitioner of the year, for being on the forefront of new developments in the practice of family law, for her innovation in the field as well as her continued dedication to families, children and public service. To learn more about Kentucky Divorce Law and Diana L. Skaggs + Associates visit http://www.LouisvilleDivorce.com/legalfyi/.
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