Making Marriage Last Archives - Goldberg Simpson - Family Law Group

Something Worth Fighting For

admin — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 10:00:00 +0000

Can This Marriage Be Saved? by Laurie Abraham is the New York Times Magazine’s feature story August 12, 2007, online here, A year in the life of a couples-therapy group. Some quotes:

When Coché lists the virtues of the group over other forms of therapy, she cites the “Greek chorus” effect, a term that captures how members begin to harass one another, if politely, about the habits corroding their marriages.

Can This Marriage Be Saved? by Laurie Abraham is the New York Times Magazine’s feature story August 12, 2007, online here, A year in the life of a couples-therapy group. Some quotes:

When Coché lists the virtues of the group over other forms of therapy, she cites the “Greek chorus” effect, a term that captures how members begin to harass one another, if politely, about the habits corroding their marriages. “In a group, there’s an experience of being held accountable for one’s own behavior,” Coché told me, adding that it’s more powerful to be called out — or cared for — by a civilian than by a professional. “I’m a paid consultant. I’m a nonperson.” Other benefits she cites are the often-silent products of group dynamics. No matter how ultimately prosaic their woes, members are startled to see reflections of themselves in the other marriages — My God, I do that, too — and if one person musters the strength or resolve to make a change, somebody else may consciously or unconsciously follow. The principle of isomorphism also comes into play, she said, meaning that as people forge intimate connections within the group, the enriching encounter in that system may spread to the other system: the marriage.

Finally, Coché extols the “community” in which the group envelops couples. As panoramically documented by historians like Stephanie Coontz, marriage used to exist in a web of extended-family obligations. For the upper classes, its purpose was to magnify wealth and power; for the lower, to choose a spouse who could contribute sweat or material goods to the small business that was each household. Gradually, with industrialization and the movement of jobs outside the home, love replaced communal economic imperatives as the glue between husbands and wives, striking two blows to the institution. First, romantic love isn’t known for its long-lasting adhesive properties; and second, no one is as deeply invested in a marriage as the two people in it.

The group is something of an answer to the latter problem, Coché says — the modern equivalent perhaps of the village that Michael Vincent Miller, a psychologist, depicts when lamenting the isolation of modern couples in his 1995 book, “Intimate Terrorism.” What would it be like, he writes, “if as in the Puritan villages of old, representatives from the larger community were to step in, calm the two down, stress the larger social importance of their well-being and offer support and help by redirecting the couple’s energies away from mutilating each other toward something more cooperative.”

Do these groups work?

What every married person who has considered couples therapy wants to know is whether it works. But while there is a fair amount of research on the question, it isn’t particularly illuminating. Two years after ending therapy, studies suggest, about 70 percent of couples report being more satisfied with their marriages, citing lowered levels of conflict, for example, and better communication skills. Less encouraging, however, is the finding that the reforms don’t often catapult couples into the realm of the happily married, according to Jay Lebow, a psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University who specializes in interpreting studies in the field.

What studies — pioneered by John Gottman, a psychologist and emeritus professor at the University of Washington — have rather convincingly shown are the marital patterns likely to result in divorce. In his famous “love lab,” the Family Research Laboratory, Gottman observed more than 3,000 couples during three decades of research, analyzing their discourse, including arguments, and recording their physiological responses. What he concluded is that it wasn’t whether people fought — 69 percent of his subjects never resolved their conflicts — but how they fought. The relatively happy couples did not escalate disagreements; they broke tension with jokes and distraction and made “repairs” after arguments. When wives raised issues gently, for example, neither partner’s heart rate exceeded 95 beats per minute and the ratio of positive to negative comments during a fight was an amazing five to one.

But how do couples become what Gottman calls “masters of marriage,” the most contentedly married couples? He and his colleagues are collecting data on a type of marriage counseling they designed based on the insights from the love lab, but the consensus of the research to date is that no single therapeutic model — for individuals or couples — outshines any other. Investigators have repeatedly tried to single out specific “therapeutic factors” that can distinguish good therapy from bad, and the only unequivocal winner is what’s termed a “positive therapeutic alliance,” meaning the client feels that the therapist exhibits qualities like empathy and support.

Jay Efran, a psychologist and emeritus professor at Temple University who surveyed the last 25 years’ worth of trends in therapy in an ambitious recent article in Psychotherapy Networker, has another idea about what makes for an estimable therapist. He suggests that therapy boils down to a facility for conversation and therefore is a creative and contingent act that does not lend itself to formulas. “The profession has gotten itself into a bind,” he told me recently, “because it wants to be seen as a science and it wants to collect money, and it has made this category mistake of thinking it provides treatments for diseases and not just conversation or community or human contact or offering new slants on life.”

Efran’s notion is an appealing way to conceive of Coché’s talent. Because while she has read and trained extensively in several schools of therapy, she was at her least inspiring when expounding for the group on big-picture theories of “coupling.” She thrived in the moment — interceding in or interpreting the to and fro between a husband and wife, or pulling out unexpected common threads in the stories the couples were telling, giving the assemblage a whiff of fresh perspective.

Why is marriage so difficult?

In “Intimate Terrorism,” Michael Vincent Miller theorizes that marriage, like childhood, has developmental stages, the most dangerous of which, following the heady romantic period, can be summed up as: This person, or this union, isn’t at all what I imagined. What can easily happen at this point, he writes, is that because modern marriage is “under so much pressure to provide so many levels of fulfillment,” because “love and sex are so thoroughly . . . bound up with one’s sense of identity as a man, as a woman,” people become consumed with feelings of failure, feelings that are so unbearable that spouses lash out at their partners rather than apprehend their own panic or contribution to the decline.

The core problem, he goes on, is that our culture doesn’t teach us “to fail gracefully or fruitfully.” Instead, “our notion of the comeback is an attempt to recapture original glory.” The husbands and wives who can move beyond terrorizing each other, or avoid doing so in the first place, he speculates, are those who can first acutely experience their profound disappointment in their inevitably changed circumstances: “Unlike jealousy, cruelty, or boredom, disappointment contains secret hints of mutuality. . . . It is not such a long stretch from disappointment to empathy.”

Disappointment — a sort of rueful recognition of the limits of her marriage and compassion toward the people she and Clem once were — was what Marie, almost incredibly, brought to the last two groups (the first by herself, since Clem could not reschedule an out-of-town work trip). Instantly, it was apparent something was different. She was wearing light makeup and was holding peoples’ gazes long enough that you could see she had sparkling hazel eyes.

If the marriage can’t be made perfect, is divorce the only answer? I loved this ending,

After all those years of sawing and scrimping, there was this sturdy house with shelves built by Clem, a vase of daisies on the kitchen table and white wicker furniture on the porch. There were the beautiful, smart girls, one of whom darted through the kitchen in shorts and headphones, headed out for a run. There was the garden that Clem showed me — “Marie’s pride and joy” — and the shiny used Mercedes that Marie said Clem had “always wanted” and recently managed to buy. There was the one thing that had always been good in their marriage, they said, as we sat there drinking Coors from frosty mugs, as the seagulls squawked and the dusk turned to darkness: No matter what, they could count on each other for advice and support when either was battered by the outside world.

Would anything truly and irrevocably change for the better between Marie and Clem? Maybe. They both still said that they wanted it, and Coché would later tell me she was thrilled with the strides that they were continuing to make in the new group. But if nothing much changed, they’d still have this house, those girls, the way they cracked up at the same old family stories, her memory of how handsome he looked when she first laid eyes on him in a crowded lecture hall, his of the lingering kiss they shared on her 19th birthday, of the single rose he’d given her. They’d have this house, those girls and the memory of how they’d once been each other’s best or only answer.

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Do Rich Women Have More Affairs?

admin — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 08:55:00 +0000

I don’t know whether rich women have more affairs than economically challenged women, but I liked LizardBreath’s (nom de plume for an anonymous New York Lawyer) comments in a post at UnFogged to a survey suggesting they stray more often.

I don’t know whether rich women have more affairs than economically challenged women, but I liked LizardBreath’s (nom de plume for an anonymous New York Lawyer) comments in a post at UnFogged to a survey suggesting they stray more often.

Something that casual discussions of the innate differences between men’s and women’s sexual appetites often skip over is the degree to which women’s sexual continence has historically been economically enforced. Half the novels written before WW I have at least one sub-plot involving the fact that a woman who fairly or unfairly loses her reputation for chastity is at great risk of being expelled from her home and left with no means of supporting herself. Upper and middle class Victorian women didn’t present themselves as sexless simply because it was culturally valued — being unchaste could leave you literally on the streets to starve.

Even now, married women are significantly more likely than not to earn less than their husbands, and are more likely than not to, within the marriage and after the end of a marriage, have primary responsibility for taking care of children. The economic support in an intact marriage is more significant for most women than most men — it’s hardly surprising that women are generally less likely than men to risk those marriages by having affairs, or that women for whom the economic issues around marriage are insignificant are much more likely to have affairs.

It’s funny — conversations about the ‘innate’ differences between men’s and women’s sexuality rarely seem to address the strength of the different incentives men and women face now, and have historically faced, with respect to their sexual behavior. (Also, check out Cowen’s comments — there are some real winners in there.)

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Untying The Knot, More Couples Calling It Quits Later In Life

admin — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 17:32:39 +0000

Untying the knot, more couples calling it quits later in life is the troubling headline of a story by Korky Vann; a special to the Hartford Courant, republished in the Courier-Journal yesterday. When Hon. John Potter, retired, was presiding in Jefferson Family Court many years ago, he said that there ought to be a statute of limitations precluding octogenarians from divorcing. The comment may have been in jest, but there is some wisdom behind it.

Untying the knot, more couples calling it quits later in life is the troubling headline of a story by Korky Vann; a special to the Hartford Courant, republished in the Courier-Journal yesterday. When Hon. John Potter, retired, was presiding in Jefferson Family Court many years ago, he said that there ought to be a statute of limitations precluding octogenarians from divorcing. The comment may have been in jest, but there is some wisdom behind it.

The book behind the story, “Calling It Quits: Late Life Divorce and Starting Over” by Deidre Blair will be published January 30, 2007 by Random House. It is difficult to quibble with stats from a book not yet available, but the interpretation of some stats do not jibe with my experience. For example, in finding that most divorces among the elderly are initiated by women, Blair concludes, “Everyone thinks that older men trade in their spouse for a ‘trophy wife,’” said Blair. “Turned out that wasn’t the case.” The fact is that among all age groups, most divorce petitions are filed by women. The reason women initiate the petition may not mean they most want to divorce. In many cases they have no access to the finances and need the protection of the court. If a man is having an affair, he may not see that as a reason to file for divorce. It’s the old “have your cake and eat it too” mentality. The woman may file for divorce in such a situation because the duplicity is simply more intolerable for her. It does not mean that she prefers to be single.

Among the elderly, I most often see divorces in second marriages where the adult children seem to have some influence, I suspect to protect an inheritance. The right to care for an aging parent is sometimes the real issue. Dementia and paranoia can make the marriage intolerable.

All in all it is a serious and troubling subject and trend that requires study. Maybe Judge Potter had it spot on.

I didn’t find the story online. If someone runs across it and comments with a link, I’d be glad to post.
UPDATE: Here is the link to the online story.

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Making Marriage Last; Confessing Temptation

admin — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 08:50:00 +0000

Posting of this new story does not imply endorsement. It goes against much of what my clients have told me over the years that their therapists have advised. Yet, it is interesting and on point to an intermittent series of posts that we will put up over the nest few weeks. I was going to save it to Valentine’s Day, but four months is far too long to hold a thread. We may be on to summer thoughts by Valentine’s Day!
Honey, I’m Thinking of Having an Affair’: Therapists Advise Confessing Temptation
WALL STREET JOURNAL
October 26, 2006; Page D1
By SUE SHELLENBARGER
“Dismayed by a rash of affairs and divorces among acquaintances, Gloria and Bryan Mahan, of Cerritos, Calif., made an agreement before marrying each other three years ago: If either of them felt attracted to someone else, he or she would tell the other partner immediately. “I don’t want to be a divorce statistic,” says Bryan, now 26.
When Gloria later found herself attracted to another man, as difficult as it was, she confessed that fact to Bryan. He responded calmly, saying he appreciated her honesty. “That built a lot of trust for me,” says Gloria, now 24. The attraction quickly faded and her bond to Bryan grew stronger.
An emerging trend in marriage therapy and education aims to head off one of the biggest risks in marriage: infidelity. Instead of waiting until after spouses stray and then attempting damage control, therapists and marriage educators are urging couples to build trust upfront by acknowledging the possibility of cheating and heading it off through explicit spoken or written agreements. Some couples are taking similar steps on their own.

Posting of this new story does not imply endorsement. It goes against much of what my clients have told me over the years that their therapists have advised. Yet, it is interesting and on point to an intermittent series of posts that we will put up over the nest few weeks. I was going to save it to Valentine’s Day, but four months is far too long to hold a thread. We may be on to summer thoughts by Valentine’s Day!
Honey, I’m Thinking of Having an Affair’: Therapists Advise Confessing Temptation
WALL STREET JOURNAL
October 26, 2006; Page D1
By SUE SHELLENBARGER
“Dismayed by a rash of affairs and divorces among acquaintances, Gloria and Bryan Mahan, of Cerritos, Calif., made an agreement before marrying each other three years ago: If either of them felt attracted to someone else, he or she would tell the other partner immediately. “I don’t want to be a divorce statistic,” says Bryan, now 26.
When Gloria later found herself attracted to another man, as difficult as it was, she confessed that fact to Bryan. He responded calmly, saying he appreciated her honesty. “That built a lot of trust for me,” says Gloria, now 24. The attraction quickly faded and her bond to Bryan grew stronger.
An emerging trend in marriage therapy and education aims to head off one of the biggest risks in marriage: infidelity. Instead of waiting until after spouses stray and then attempting damage control, therapists and marriage educators are urging couples to build trust upfront by acknowledging the possibility of cheating and heading it off through explicit spoken or written agreements. Some couples are taking similar steps on their own.

AFFAIR-PROOFING A MARRIAGE
To guard against damage from affairs, experts suggest couples:
• Acknowledge the risk of an affair occurring
• Discuss circumstances that might pose a risk
• Agree to talk about temptations before acting
• Disclose any affairs promptly
• Agree not to counterattack if a spouse strays
• Learn to ask, give and receive forgiveness
This can require painful self-disclosure. Andy Laurents, who has such an agreement with his wife, Patti, says several women on a previous job made advances toward him — “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t intrigued.” Each time, he says, it was difficult “to look at my dear wife and tell her ‘I’ve been attracted to someone else.'” But he did so, and that discipline immediately shifted his focus back to his wife, where he wants it to be, he says. Both partners say their pact has fortified trust and strengthened their happy nine-year marriage.
The agreements are part of a broader emphasis on trust-building in marriage. In a pop culture ridden with images of infidelity and marital mistrust, experts are using a variety of techniques to “super-glue couples together,” says Diane Sollee, founder of SmartMarriages.com1, a marriage-education Web site. “It’s a huge crisis right now. Twenty- and thirty-somethings are just terrified. They’ve seen the divorce rates and they see what’s happened to their parents, and they think they can’t trust” prospective spouses.
In Washington, Barry McCarthy, a psychologist in private practice and a professor at American University, gives couples a two-page handout urging them to identify risk factors for an affair (such as drinking when apart), to agree to talk before acting on any extramarital desires and, if a partner does stray, to disclose that within 24 hours. “It’s the coverup that has the most negative impact,” Dr. McCarthy says.
At Colorado retreats called “Love Your Relationship,” run by a Boulder, Colo., organization by the same name, couples are taught to acknowledge the risk of infidelity and to build skills that help “affair-proof” their marriages, says Howard Markman, an author who teaches the seminars, and co-founder of PREP, a marriage-education program. Separately, John Van Epp, a therapist and author of “How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk,” has trained 500 Army chaplains and several dozen private therapists in the past year on how to help people pick trustworthy partners and to build strong bonds with their mates.
Much of this work is grounded in “attachment theory,” a body of psychological research on how humans bond to one another starting in infancy. Working on the knowledge that many people enter marriage with an impaired ability to form intimate attachments, therapists aim to help couples consciously construct a new foundation for trust. Dr. Van Epp uses a “relationship attachment model” — a graphic tool that looks like a five-dial stereo-system equalizer. Each sliding vertical dial symbolizes one of five building blocks of attachment: knowledge about each other’s past and present lives; trust; mutual reliance on each other; commitment; and sexual intimacy.
When all five ingredients are present and in balance, Dr. Van Epp says, marriages tend to be strong. Couples are taught to evaluate their relationships on each of the five dimensions of attachment using a cardboard model of the tool.
The Army has used chaplains trained by Dr. Van Epp, the PREP program and others to instruct 25,000 soldiers in the past year in a marriage-education program called “Strong Bonds.” Mindful of an estimated 60% divorce rate among military couples, officials aim to help couples sustain trust through deployments.
People are at greater risk of infidelity when they or their family members have had affairs, Dr. McCarthy says. One couple he counseled, who had actually met each other through an extramarital affair, agreed in writing that if either felt the urge to stray, they’d talk to each other about it first. They stored the accord in a safe-deposit file at home with other important documents, says Dr. McCarthy, co-author of “Getting It Right This Time.”
One bonus, couples say, is that telling your spouse about an extramarital desire tends to quash it. When Mr. Laurent talked with his wife about workplace temptations, he says, “all of a sudden, that power, that pull, was gone in a flash. When you shine the light on something, then the darkness goes away. It has no choice.”
As lay leaders of a couples’ group at their church, he and his wife urge others to be equally open, he says: “You can save yourselves so many heartaches down the road.”

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