A comment from a reader, Billy Riggs, lead us to Divorce Tunes and these very funny parodies:
“To All The Girls I Could Have Loved”
“Only You, That’s All You Think Of”
“The Winds Between My Cheeks”
“Are You Loathsome Tonight”
“You Clog Up My Senses”
“You Dried Up My Life”
“I’m Gonna Hate You Forever”

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It seems like a long time since we’ve had a long weekend or a weekend laugh. If you agree it’s time for something on the light side, check out Sexual Consent Lawyers at Glubert.com. This is a video clip, so here’s the link if that works better in your browser: http://glumbert.com/media/consent Thanks to Ed Hamada for posting this to the ABA Family Law Listserve.

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(1) You’ve got to find somebody who likes the same stuff as you do. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports.
— Alan, age 10

(2) Nobody really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it for you all the way before, and you get to find out, much later, who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You’ve got to find somebody who likes the same stuff as you do. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports.
— Alan, age 10

(2) Nobody really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it for you all the way before, and you get to find out, much later, who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
— Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You’ve got to be a fool to get married.
— Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at each other at the same time.
— Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure?)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that
— Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
— Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
— Theodore, age 8

(2) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9 (bless you my child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kevin, age 8

And the #1 favourite is ….

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
— Ricky, age 10

Thanks to Douglas J. Sanderson of Fairfax, VA for passing these on and granting permission to reprint. I intened to post before the Labor Day weekend, but I guess it’s never too late for a little humor!

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This jewel is from Kristin A. Schuler-Hintz, Esq. ,GORDON D. CRUSE, APLC of San Diego, who kindly granted permission to repost. While it is San Diego specific, I have seen a Louisville one recently, and have inserted the local corresponding neighborhoods. The attached graphics at the end are funny, too. I don’t tell lawyer jokes and I don’t listen to lawyer jokes, but I always am on the lookout for something on the light side around holiday weekends. As with much humor, there is surely something offensive for all.

“The San Diego Barbie Collection

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the San Diego California market.

La Costa (St. Matthews)Barbie

Princess Barbie is only sold at the brand new La Costa Forum. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, and a longhaired dog named Honey. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.
Optional Tennis Ken, complete with balls, available for a handsome price.

Rancho Bernardo Barbie & Ken

Modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with hatchback SUV (moon roof optional) and matching shopping outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Set of traffic-jamming cell phones included. (Headsets sold separately). We think Ken has a job, but we’re not sure.

Oceanside Barbie
This babe is hot. She works at Main Attraction to help make rent, as she cohabitates with her hot bi-sexual lover, Tracy (pictured at far right). Available only in set. Sexual accessories available with presentation of appropriate ID.

Escondido (Portland) Barbie

Recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a desert/river ready lifted truck with dark tinted windows and oversized tires (600 W subwoofer sold separately). Barbie drug money available separately as well. This model and accessories are available only after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably in small, untraceable bills. If this Barbie appears a little tweaked out, it’s because she is.

Del Mar (Anchorage) Barbie

Yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible (shown) or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Options available with this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper with glazed eyed neo-nazi persona. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

Santee/Lakeside (Okolona)Barbie

Pale model comes dressed in her own tacky Wrangler Jean shorts, (two sizes too small), a NASCAR jacket (with nothing underneath), and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set (Coors light emblem sold separately). She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

La Jolla Barbie & Ken

Collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print blouse with $600 St. Johns matching slacks (matching Ken and Barbie set sold separately). She leaves Ken to drink cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the beach house or basking in the sun in her $450 high-end designer bathing suit. Percocet prescription also available (sold separately).
“High on Percocet” LaJolla Barbie, pictured at right, also available.

La Mesa (Fairdale) Barbie

Tobacco-chewing, dyed blonde Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Lemon Grove Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home (purchased separately).

Leucadia (Highlands) Barbie

Doll is fashioned from actual tofu. She has short straight hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, scant makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She can be found naked on the beach, seeking the “natural” feeling. When in this state, she prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Leucadia Barbie’s and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a coupon for a free wheat-grass smoothie at any Whole Food’s Market.

National City (Newburg) Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus & trolley pass. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Poway Barbie (a.k.a Stepford Barbie)

She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know who Ken is because he’s always away working and probably stuck somewhere on the I-15 (north or southbound; it doesn’t matter anymore). More provocative Poway Barbie (shown at far right) also available, complete with Poway Barbie hot tub (for those hot Poway nights).

Chula Vista Barbie

This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a pick up truck loaded 10 feet high with mattresses. Green cards are not available for Chula Vista Barbie or Ken.
Hillcrest Barbie/Ken/Roger/Ron, etc. etc.

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple “snap-on” parts. This Barbie is very tolerant of Ken’s bisexual life style, often joining in on the fun.

Pictured to the right are Ken with Roger, and the recently introduced Matt and cross-bearing Ron (anatomically accurate), and the recently added Transgender Barbie (we’re told that Transgender Barbie is also anatomically accurate, but we are not sure what this means ???? ).

Bonus: free rainbow flag with proof of purchase sticker along with valuable discount coupons to all “F” street bookstores.

North Island Naval Barbie

This Barbie lives a regimented lifestyle during the week. But come the weekend, she can really let her hair down (pictured at far right). She comes equipped with her optional lesbian lover, Daniel (also pictured at the far right). (Lesbian lover Daniel and lesbian play set each sold separately).

Camp Pendleton Barbie

This Marine Layer is the hottest new edition to the SD Barbie Collection. Once she marries soldier Ken, watch her double in size, become sedentary, and stay that way for the rest of her Big Barbie life (pictured at far right). Comes with an extra set of fatigues (in XXX large).

Big Bear Barbie

Available only on the weekends, this Barbie comes fully equipped with all ski accessories for the slopes. Ski lodge sexual fantasy outfit is sold separately, but includes mandatory birth control pills (both pictured at far right).
Rancho Bernardo or Poway Ken may be interchanged as Big Bear Barbie’s weekend lover, as each can utilize the
excuse that they are out of town for a business trip on the weekend to promote their affair with Big Bear Barbie.

Mira Mesa Barbie

This Asian Barbie is shorter and more petite than other Barbies. She comes with lavender colored nails and owns her own nail salon (sold separately). Nail polish accessories also sold separately.

San Ysidro Barbie

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Green Card xxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxx

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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This year introduces a new line of Hispanic Barbies; this is Donia Maria Barbie. She resides in the guest house of any Del Mar Barbie. She is very skilled on taking care of Ken and Barbie’s offspring. Tortilla maker accessory (pictured at right) sold separately. Authentic green card is not included, though counterfeit can be obtained for 50 bucks at the local meat market or roadside vegetable stand.

El Cajon Barbie
Check out the “strung out on meth look”. This Barbie lives in her very own trailer (sold separately) and hustles herself for drug money (shown in police line-up after arrest at far right).

Gaslamp Barbie

This new edition hangs out near the tattoo parlors in the Gaslamp District. Tattoo kit sold separately. If desirable, you can pretend she is in to bondage (whips, bondage rope, masks and gag rope all sold separately,
shown at right).

Downtown SD Homeless Barbie

This Barbie comes with her own shopping cart, full of scavenged items (all sold separately). Father Joe’s shelter also available (donations accepted).

Julian Bed & Breakfast Barbie and Ken

Ken really likes this arrangement, as he and Barbie finally get away for the weekend. Here, Ken gets reacquainted with the sensation of warm apple pie, without evening having to buy one.

Alpine Barbie and Ken

This Barbie and Ken pair are campy and industrious. Comes with replica of homemade hot tub, welded by Ken from junkyard galvanized steel scrap. Comes only in Avacodo green as Ken used paint leftover from painting the kitchen thirty years ago. Accessories include the Alpine Barbie and Ken home (sold separately for a reasonable price). Additional accessories include gas masks for those days when the air quality if exceptionally poor.

Match.com Internet San Diego Barbie

This newest addition to the Barbie clan comes equipped with her own web cam and one year subscription to match.com, the popular internet dating service. She describes herself as affluent, though most of her listed income is generated from alimony. The picture that Barbie has posted (pictured at right) is 10 years old. The actual Barbie is much larger than this, which you learn upon receipt (available by mail order only). Her on-line profile frequently employs the use of the word “princess” and she seeks a Ken with a minimum income of $150,000+. Children sold separately (we’re not sure how many there really are) and are available on a 60/40 time share only.
Carmel Valley Barbie

This new addition to our set wanted to be a Del Mar Barbie, but lacked the financial resources; she thus became a member of the rapidly expanding (and overcrowded) Carmel Valley Barbie clan. This Barbie comes equipped with her twins (Lauren and Ashley) in their dual stroller; Barbie is often seen aggressively pushing her twins up inclines in an effort to regain her “pre-baby” figure. Accessories include: the brand new I-5 highway kit, complete with the 805 I-5 northbound merge expansion set [which is where Barbie can usually be found, sitting in her oversized gas-guzzling SUV (sold separately), having waited too long to leave the UTC shopping center on her daily shopping spree]. Other accessories include the new line of box-like track housing kits, each complete with 10 small palms trees (selling price will be roughly four times their actual value). The house comes equipped with nothing; plumbing and electrical wiring provided as options. Garage sold separately for storage of worthless items that Barbie has not used for years. NOTE: This Barbie can only be purchased with a heavily taxed charge card; cash is not accepted. “

graphics:Download san_diego_barbie_collection___limited_edition22.doc

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The ABA Family Law Listserve has a recent thread on songs relating to divorce. There are many to add to the posting of country music divorce songs we did a few weeks ago. Thanks to all for permission to reprint!

The top 25 according to Charlie Abut, New Jersey, publisher of the New Jersey Family Law blog:
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
24. Your Teeth Was Stained, But Your Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
22. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Just Bought A Car From The One That Stole My Love, But The Car
Don’t Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
20. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
17. I Wouldn’t Take You To A Dog Fight, Not Even If You Had A Chance To
Win
16. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
15. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
14. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You

13. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two on You
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You
9. You Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Her/Him
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. You Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
3. You’re Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
2. You’re Looking Better After Every Beer
1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Anybody Ugly But I’ve Sure Woke Up With A
Few”

From Kristin Schuler-Hintz:
“To this I add:

50 Ways to leave your Lover
After the Love is Gone
Ain’t No Sunshine
All by Myself
Paradise by the Dashboard Light (Meatloaf)
Another one bites the dust (Queen)

Every Day a Little Death (from A Little Night Music. Actually come to think of it, add the whole soundtrack “Now Later Soon” Glamorous Life; Remember? You Must Meet My Wife; Liaisons, In Praise of Women, Every Day a Little Death, Weekend in the Country, It Would Have Been Wonderful, Perpetual Anticipation, Send in the Clowns, Miller’s Son

La Boheme – We all meet, fall in love, use other people, and eventually die
Madama Butterfly – Marry the wrong guy, get left with nothing, give up your son and die

And the one that we all think every day “People are Strange” The Doors.

I actually have a playlist on IPOD of “Office Music” all the music that is break up related. I play it softly in the background. I thought of suggesting that we put in our hold music……………..”

And from David Schaffer,Naperville, Ilinois:
“Need songs with lyrics, too, please.”

From John Crouch, Arlington, Virginia

“There’s a pop song called “I won’t pay”. I think it’s British. It expresses vehemently the modern attitude that spouses have an obligation to support themselves, not each other.

Louis Jordan, “Somebody done changed the lock on that door.”
Ray Charles, ‘Hit the road, Jack.”
[above are performers, not necessarily the songwriters]

“Don’t you want me baby” — prissy, annoying song that begins, ‘She was working as a waitress in the local bar’

Then there’s the one where the tag line is “That Ain’t My Truck.” That’s my house, my kids, my woman, my dog, but that ain’t my truck.

Bob Noone — who should be required listening for anyone who has read this far, has recorded “Breakin’ Up Is REALLY Hard To Do”, “UPWARDLY MOBILE LOVE”, “BLAME IT ON THE VIAGRA”. See http://www.lawsongs.com/

Finally, my cousin Philip Heald, former deejay/family lawyer/general practitioner in Ironton, Ohio, has a great song about domestic violence called “I am the Man in Charge of You.” I don’t know if he has recorded it. “

Thanks to all!

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When Good Love Goes Bad . . .
How Many Recording Artists Can You
Match With These Songs?

Many years ago, Kathy Revell, the daughter of Retired Judge Richard Revell (she was also his secretary at the time) circulated this country divorce song quiz. We have added to her list of love gone wrong tunes starting with #32, following her list of artists. Divorce is about as sad a field of law as an attorney sees, so you have to find a little humor where you can! We never run out of projects, but one that has been on the list for a long time is to download these songs. Maybe this blog will be the perfect place for such a repertoire.

When Good Love Goes Bad . . .
How Many Recording Artists Can You
Match With These Songs?

SONG TITLES

1. ____ “All My Ex’s Live In Texas”
2. ____ “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do”
3. ____ “D-I-V-O-R-C-E”
4. ____ “Did I Shave My Legs for This?”
5. ____ “Does Your Lawyer Talk to God?”
6. ____ “Guilty as They Come”
7. ____ “Hey, Jealous Lover:
8. ____ “How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away”
9. ____ “I Can Prove You Wrong”
10. ____ “I Gotta Right to Sing the Blues”
11. ____ “I Guess You Had to Be There”
12. ____ “I Meant to Do That”
13. ____ “I Miss You Honey, But Life Goes On”
14. ____ “I’m an Emotional Girl”
15. ____ “I’m Going Through the Big ‘D” (And I Don’t Mean Dallas)”
16. ____ “Indiscreet”
17. ____ “Just Another Road Kill on the Highway of Love
18. ____ “Leave Me the Radio”
19. ____ “MyY Wife Thinks You’re Dead”
20. ____ “She Got the Gold Mine. I Got the Shaft”
21. ____ “She’s Sure Taking it Well”
22. ____ “Tears on My Pillow”
23. ____ “Thank God and Greyhound You’re Gone”
24. ____ “Things We Do For Love”
25. ____ “Truck Driver Divorce”
26. ____ “When You’re Married, But Not to Each Other”
27. ____ “Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?”
28. ____ “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore”
29. ____ “Your Forgot All the Words (While I Still
Remember the Tune)”
30. ____ “Your Pay Your Money and You Take Your Chances”
31. ____ “Your Lyin’ Blue Eyes”
ARTIST NAMES
a. 10cc
b. Your guess is as good as ours
c. John Anderson
d. Suzy Bogguess
e. Paul Brandt
f. Junior Brown
g. Deana Carter
h. Mark Chestnutt
i. Roy Clark
j. Bruce Cockburn
k. Neil Diamond
l. Merly Haggard
m. Little Anthony & The Imperials
n. Little Texas
o. Barbara Mandrell
p. Mindy McCreedy
q. John Michael Montgomery
r. Lorrie Morgan
s. Jerry Reed
t. Neil Sedaka
u. Kevin Sharp
v. Frank Sinatra
w. Doug Stone
x. Shania Twain
y. Kitty Wells
z. Tammy Wynnette
aa. Frank Zappa
Write the corresponding letter for your best guess as to the name of the recording artist most frequently associated with each song listed on the left. (P.S. Artists’ names can be used more than once.)

Our additions:

32. Better Class of Losers – Randy Travis
33. Blame It on Your Heart – Patty Loveless
34. Brokenheartsville – Joe Nichols
35. Bye Bye – Jo Dee Messina
36. Cheatin’ – Sara Evans
37. Crazy – Patsy Cline
38. Does My Ring Burn Your Finger – Lee Ann Womack
39. Friends in Low Places – Garth Brooks
40. Good As I Was To You – Lorrie Morgan
41. Goodbye Earl – Dixie Chicks
42. Goodbye Time – Blake Shelton
43. Have Mercy – The Judds
44. He Thinks He’ll Keep Her – Mary Chapin Carpenter
45. Here’s a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares – Travis Tritt
46. Holding Her and Loving You – Earl Thomas Conley
47. How Am I Doin’ – Dierks Bentley
48. How Do You Like Me Now?! – Toby Keith
49. I Saw the Light – Wynonna
50. If You’re Not In It For Love (I’m Outta Here) – Shania Twain
51. I’m Not Lisa – Jessi Colter
52. It’s A Little Too Late – Mark Chesnutt
53. Kerosene – Miranda Lambert
54. Kiss This – Aaron Tippin
55. Little Goodbyes – Shadaisy
56. Little Red Rodeo – Collin Raye
57. Linda on My Mind – Conway Twitty
58. My Give a Damn’s Busted – Jo Dee Messina
59. Never Again, Again – Lee Ann Womack
60. No News – Lonestar
61. On Your Way Home – Patty Loveless
62. Revenge of a Middle Aged Woman – Tracy Byrd
63. Seven Year Ache – Rosanne Cash
64. She’s Actin’ Single (I’m Drinkin’ Doubles) – Gary Stewart
65. She’s Got You – Patsy Cline
66. So, So Long – Dierks Bentley
67. Straight Tequila Night – John Anderson
68. The Thunder Rolls – Garth Brooks
69. What Kind of Fool Do You Think I Am – Leroy Parnell
70. What Might Have Been – Little Texas
71. What Part of No Don’t You Understand – Lorrie Morgan
72. When I Call Your Name – Vince Gill
73. Who’s Lonely Now – Highway 101
74. You Ain’t Much Fun – Toby Keith
75. You Don’t Even Know Who I Am – Patty Loveless

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